I’ve been working on this quilt for at least a year, and I’ve reached the point where I kind of hate it. Not actually, but kind of actually. I know that I need to just take Daniel’s advice and put it away for a week or two, but it’s so hard to let go of the optimistic version of myself that was so certain I could finish the quilt top in January. There’s a part of me that just wants to keep staring at it and moving around blocks and obsessing over the final layout, because if I just try harder I can accomplish the original goal. I think that’s maybe a good metaphor* for my whole thing, like it’s just so hard to get my brain to work the way that I want it to. I know that I need to accept that I have ADHD and my brain works differently and that’s just a value-neutral statement of fact, and I definitely believe all of that, but there’s definitely a part of me that doesn’t believe that at all. My big picture goal for this year is to figure out how my brain in particular will work best and be most creative, and I keep forgetting that doing that means I’ll have to challenge a lot of toxic thinking and unlearn a lot of habits that are rooted in capitalism & the Protestant Work Ethic, rather than my own beliefs and values. And it’s so hard, why does it have to be so hard?**

* Is that the right word? Do I actually mean microcosm? Allegory?
** That’s what she said?